Why is this so hard?
It’s a question I have been asking myself on the bad days during this quarantine. Not all of the days have been awful some of them have been beautiful but also there have been hard days.
It’s the same question I asked myself when we added a baby to our household.
I would ask myself ‘Why is this so hard?’ People do this every day. People have been doing this since the beginning of time. I should be able to do this without this being hard. Why am I such a failure? Why am I so weak? And again…
Why is this so hard.
Then the comparing game starts. I have healthy kids other people are in the NICU for weeks or even months. I have a helpful and loving husband others live with butt heads. This shouldn’t be so hard.
Comparing is not helpful.
I’m not sure why I discounted bringing children into the world. I’m not sure why I thought I would be better at it or it would be an easy transition. We were adding a human to the world. We were adding a human to our family.
I think part of my struggle in asking the question of why this is is so hard was frustrating for me to answer was becuas eit was common place.
Having kids happens everyday. All of us are quarantined right now. We are all in a new normal. We are all trying to adapt to this new.
Why is this so hard? Because its different and because I’m weak.
It’s hard becuase my schedule and my normal become what I look to for peace and comfort instead of Christ.
It’s hard because I can’t use my normal coping mechanisims to soothe my soul like meeting with others and drinking coffee in peace and quiet.
It’s hard becuase I don’t want to admit that all I really have is Christ.
I want to do this thing. I want do do all the hard things and all the every day things.
It’s hard because I rely on so many things other than Christ and this time is revealing that.
The good part of this is that no matter what I’m relying on Christ remains the same. No matter the circumstances. No matter my attitude. No matter how I see myself. Christ remains the same.
No matter how well I’m doing. No matter how poorly I’m doing Christ is for me.
Loved In Spite of Self 
You have spoken to my heart once again! Your Resurrection rolls post helped me let go of some of my expectations too. I have teens so I didn’t even try the rolls (we have done them in the past) but knowing their attitudes would set me off I just focused on not yelling at anyone and trying to make Easter a special day when it didn’t feel special. Everyone pitched in to cook and clean up and there was no yelling. :). Thank you for naming my struggles and pointing me back to Jesus.
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